When I think of my birth - I smile - and I have Mesmerised Mamas and Marg’s love and knowledge for all things birth and hypnobirthing to thank for it. I didn't do it drug free, and when I really think about it, deep down I didn't totally believe I would, so there you go. But it was a super positive and empowering birth experience. I’m extremely happy with my birth, and that's more than I can say for many of mums I have shared birth stories with.
At the time all I wanted was a ‘non traumatic birth’. If you really think about that, that's a bit sad. Society has popped in us such a mindset of fear that just “not having a traumatic birth” is enough. Oy vey!
Personally for me, just before having fallen pregnant, I was on a bit of a spiritual healing path and working on some past trauma. Anxiety, stress and fear were very much the norm for me. So, at the time to aim for a ‘non traumatic/stress free birth’, seemed more than good enough to me. And I accomplished it! Thanks to my wonderful midwife and my hypnobirthing practitioner Marg.
I did have a prior belief in mediation, work on changing thought processes, beliefs and truths, so hypnobirthing seemed pretty much up my alley! What I didn’t know about was birth. When I first met with my midwife (I was very lucky to be a part of the hospital midwifery group practice program), and proclaimed I didn’t know much about birth. I just thought it best ‘to just go with the flow’ and not have a birth plan. I thank my lucky stars that she said “You are all well and good to go into birth like that but knowledge can be power, even if you have no plan‘. She highly recommended taking on the ‘power’/’empowerment’ of birth and that’s when it hit me that if I’m going to aim for a non-traumatic birth, what chance do I have if I don’t know what’s really going on at the very least?! So a hypnobirthing course it was!
The entire Positive Birth Program was of course so empowering and my partner and I were left feeling confident and excited for the big day! It was especially awesome that after having done the course my partner not only felt more involved in the birth, but walked away knowing he had an important role in OUR birth and to that he did do an excellent job.
The last few weeks leading up to the big day threw me a little and I definitely could have practised my techniques much more than I did! My baby boy was perfectly healthy by all accounts but my belly towards the end was measuring a few centimetres smaller than it ‘should’ have been. Luckily I learnt the BRAIN techniques, asked lots of questions, and informed myself with all the knowledge and data on what was happening, researched the hospital protocols and advocated for me and my baby. In short (because I could go on about just these few weeks) I pushed back more than a few recommendations for inductions from 35 weeks and I had to ask to have monitoring done every few days in hope he would come naturally (of which the monitoring was never offered to me as an option, I had to do my research to find out I was “entitled” to ask for it), and well, it paid off! He did come naturally in the end and at 41 weeks! He was 3.3 kilos (average weight) and very healthy.
The day itself started at 6am on a Saturday and I woke up feeling as if I had my period back. The surges felt deep and were coming in hot and heavy every 5 to 3 minutes. My breathing techniques and a tens machine had me working through them lying in bed until around 11am. At that point my contractions app had told us to go to the hospital around a million times due to the short time in between surges so I decided at around 11 it was time to have a quick shower, smash a muesli bar and head off to the hospital. I had called my midwife twice and she had urged me to stay at home, but in hindsight I think I had it in my brain that the ‘safe place' was the hospital. For days afterwards I felt guilty about that, but now I think back and give my little angst self, some compassion and congrats on how I handled the day.
Besides the induction debacle creating a bit of unnecessary stress and mental exhaustion, I had started to think about the sad fact my own mum wasn’t around and all of which I think all distracted me from the focus I really should have had. On top of all of that I don’t think I really addressed my slight worry about the 45 minute drive I had to the hospital and looking back I really should have. I feel it was a turning point for me, because as soon as we arrived at the hospital it was like my brain switched into overdrive. I was feeling the intensity in all of its extremes and I allowed it to. My poor midwife was thrown for six upon seeing me in an unexpected banshee state in the waiting room. Yep - I was not holding back on any wailing and moaning as we waited amongst all the other expectant mums. Whoops! :) This was where my midwife and I got our wires crossed. She had mentioned to me on the phone that most women don’t come in unless they are 4 to 5 cm dilated (I think), so I thought I MUST be 4 to 5 cm. She checked me and in this haze I thought I was 4 to 5 cm dilated. What I didn't know is that I was 1cm dilated, in fact I was 1cm dilated for around the week leading up to the birth. I knew that from having done three stretch and sweeps whilst coming in for monitoring!. As per my birth plan my midwife didn’t tell me how far along. She completely respected my wishes but for some reason in my blazing haze of a not so great mindset I thought she had told me I was 4 to 5 cm.
Any-hoo, it was at this time, and now around midday/1 pm I proclaimed that I was staying to avoid a traumatic birth. There was no way I was doing the car more than once. I thought an epidural was definitely on the cards and now! My birth plan was that I wanted a natural, close to hypnobirthing experience as possible, but nothing was ‘off the table’. So again from reeling after a horrible car ride my midwife knew there was no way I was going home to just do that again and so I waited for a room. Or should I say I wailed for a room ;)
Once I got a labour room with my surges still 2- 3mins apart I felt there was no real time for setting up my calm dark space, but again my amazing midwife knew that’s what I wanted and went above and beyond to make the room feel the way I wanted it to be. She went around making it feel as dim and as cosy and as quiet as possible, fake candles, aromatherapy - the lot :)
Think I was further along than I was, I still admit that I felt I needed an epidural. Even with our slight miscommunication error my midwife finally suggested (due to the fact I was only 1 cm dilated) that I have the smallest amount of morphine and start focusing on my breathing with help from the gas. Even in my hyped up state I knew she had my back and to trust her, so that’s what I did. I settled myself on the toilet, legs over the seat leaning up against the toilet back/wall with my head in a pillow and that is where I stayed for the next few hours. Once the morphine had kicked in it calmed me enough to relax and really start focusing on my hypnobirthing tracks, focus on my breathing and feeling through the surges. So it gave me time to slip into the space I needed to be in, and I started gaining some control back. What felt like minutes were actually hours! My midwife had to go home and another equally amazing lady took over, she was such a calming and beautiful presence to have also. At this point, some hours in, maybe 4 or 5 hours, this new midwife kept reassuring me that morphine had worn off hours ago, but I wouldn't believe her. She said I was doing it without it for a while and it wasn't until around 7pm that I actually believed her. This all says so much about my state of mind at the time earlier on compared to when I'd found my groove later in the day. I think if I hadn't done the hypnobirthing course I would have had a really terrible time all the way through, but once I was in my zone, listening to the tracks and breathing it was actually bliss. I stayed in this state with the aid of some gas for hours, my partner helped me with my breathing, acupressure, fetching me food, water and talking nonsense with me for hours. At around 5pm I asked to be checked for dilation, the new midwife casually saying ‘oh you should be around 4 to 5 cm at least now’ to my surprise! Shocked I said well no 'I should be much further than that; I was far along hours ago!' And that's when I learnt I wasn’t as far along as I thought. Oh boy! But luckily it didn’t totally affect my flow, but it was during this check I was NOW 5cm dilated at around 5pm. I was shocked, a little disappointed and also weirdly ok with it and just got back to the breathing and flow state.
I eventually ended up sitting butt naked under a warm running shower for the next few hours and I really enjoyed that!
My waters had not broken. I was afraid of them breaking so late in the labour. In fact for some reason I thought if they did break so late, it would hurt more. I have no idea where I got that from, but this crazy thought backed my decision to get an epidural IF they broke. They never did, so come 9pm another dilation check had me at 9cm. It was at this stage my partner and I decided that I had had a great (non-traumatic) day and still worried my waters breaking could potentially make for a bad ending to a good day; we decided to get the epidural.
I think back now and realise the pain and water breaking thing was again an example of me not thinking clearly, but so still happy with that decision. At the time it felt like a really lovely, peaceful decision that really felt so in tune with what was the right thing for us to do. We knew from having done the hypnobirthing course that an epidural could increase the risk of forceps, vacuum and even c/section (of which I DID NOT WANT ) but we also knew this far along there was a very low chance of it stopping the labour from progressing. Once the epidural was hooked up we had around an hour's rest. Which for both my partner and I was actually magical. I used the hour to visualize the lotus flower opening and seeing my baby in my arms to help keep my body on track for bub to come out. After an hour I was still at 9cm. The obstetrician, the nicest guy in the world, was still very upbeat and positive about it all and suggested we wait another hour. At this time bub's heart beat had slowed a little, so naturally I wanted to worry, but instead I just decided to trust my body, breathe, relax and continue visualising, and by the end of that hour I was ready to push. I could actually slightly feel the surges and when to so, so I did.
Bubs' heartbeat dropped again and the doctor suggested a quick vacuum, I look back now and should have questioned it more but the atmosphere was in such a lovely state of flow and love my instincts didn't really want to push back on anything. My partner did the right thing and advocated for me and asked a few questions, then we both decided due to the heart rate to go ahead with it. The doctor really respected our wishes and was very compassionate and encouraging in our final few minutes, prompting me to touch the bubs head as he crowned and really giving the most wonderful encouragement through those last few pushes, and well just like that Percy was out and placed straight on to my chest. It was the most magical moment of my life - Pure bliss!. My baby in my arms, and the serenity of that room was beyond beautiful. Time slowed down and the doctor again respected our wishes and waited three minutes before cutting the cord. Percy nestled into my chest and naturally worked his way down for his first feed and I was in love.
Again it couldn't have been a better experience for me, I'm so grateful for the love and care that was given to me by Marg, my midwives and the entire team at the hospital. Everyone involved was so respectful, supportive, encouraging and professional.
Seven months on and my baby boy is a really down to earth, happy, chilled kid. I honestly reflect back on my birth and think it must have a lot to do with how calmly and easily he came into the world.
if you want to learn how to Smash Your Birth